The Annual End-Of-The-English-International-Summer Confectionery Stall Multiple-Choice Quiz

Andy Zaltzman09-Sep-2014The Annual End-Of-The-English-International-Summer Confectionery Stall Multiple-Choice Quiz
[tick as many or as few as you deem appropriate]Question 1: What conclusions can be drawn from England’s Test summer?A. England are right back on track. The Ashes meltdown was somewhere between a blip and a hoax.
B. England are still off track, but less far off the track than they were in January. At least the track is now visible.
C. England were off track and heading into a ravine until India kindly diverted them back towards the track. It remains possible that they will head back into the ravine upon encountering a team that does not spontaneously disintegrate at the first sign of adversity.
D. If Kevin Pietersen had still been in the team, they would have thrashed Sri Lanka, released an album of cover versions of 1970s love songs, been whitewashed 5-0 by India in the Test series, won all their ODIs by exactly 100 runs, and ended up with Pietersen and Cook sharing the captaincy one a one-game-on, one-game-off basis.
E. Sri Lanka are unbeatable.
F. None.
G. None yet.Question 2: What conclusions can be drawn about Alastair Cook’s captaincy?A. Cook is a good captain when his team is playing well, and a bad captain when his team is playing badly. Like, for example, most other captains.
B. Cook is good at some bits of captaincy, which are mostly the bits that are not visible in public, but not so good at other bits of captaincy, such as the bits that people pick over with a pundit’s toothcomb after a defeat.
C. It is easier to captain a team when you have James Anderson and your opposition has Pankaj Singh.
D. None. Yet.Question 3: Why were India so awful in the final three Tests?A. Destiny. Nothing they could have done about it. It was pre-ordained millennia ago by someone in admin.
B. Because of the IPL.
C. Because the fact that so few of them had played first-class cricket in England before, their schedule was a mixture of silly, cocky and wilfully inappropriate, and England had significantly better bowlers, caught up with them.
D. Because England were very good. Particularly at bowling out the Indian top order. And India responded to this challenge with the resourcefulness and strength of will of a cucumber in a microwave oven.
Question 4: Which five of the following seven cricketers should be nominated for Confectionery Stall Player Of The Test Summer award?A. Kumar Sangakkara. Technical perfection, statistical lunacy.
B. Angelo Mathews. Two centuries of brilliance and resilience, the latter – his 160 at Headingley – the greatest innings of the summer. Four critical wickets in the Leeds victory. One single figure score in his last 33 Test innings, dating back to November 2012, in which time he has averaged 70.
C. Garry Ballance. A 700-run debut Test summer which showcased his range of gears.
D. Moeen Ali. Played England’s finest innings in his languidly steely Leeds rearguard, and took 22 wickets at 28, when some had expected him to take 2 wickets at 228.
E. James Anderson. His 37 wickets at 20.8 were the most taken by an England bowler in a home summer since Steve Harmison’s 38 in 2004.
F. Joe Root. Lots of runs. Found life more to his liking batting at No. 5 rather than opening, and playing against teams that were not Australia, rather than Australia. A hopefully auspicious summer of regeneration, scarred by his contribution to England’s Lord’s meltdown – the third of three equally inane pull shots in 15 minutes of bare-faced lunacy that gave Ishant Sharma and India the victory that, it transpired, was some kind of cricketing Faustian pact.
G. Virat Kohli.Question 5: Was Ian Botham right about the IPL?A. No. He was barking up the wrong tree.
B. No. He was barking up the wrong tree, but at the right cat.
C. No. He was barking up the right tree, but at the wrong cat.
D. No. He was barking.
E. Yes.
F. I don’t know, but the thinking about the future of global Test cricket makes me feel a little nauseous.
G. Who cares? Remember 1981. He’s Ian Botham. He can say what he likes.Question 6: How can England stop the incessant speculation about Cook’s captaincy?A. Make Cook officially Captain For Life in all formats. It may not be the ideal solution, but it will stop the chatter.
B. Win the World Cup.
C. Lose the World Cup. Convincingly.
D. Allow Piers Morgan to captain the team via Twitter.
Question 7: Why did England decide to retain their strategy of having the same coach for all three formats?A. Because if you can ride a horse, you logically must also be able to ride a 900cc motorbike. Both involve sitting on something and making it go.